2009

Well… 2009 has been without a doubt the hardest year of many people’s, especially for myself. It seemed like at one point that this year would never end & that everything that could possibly could go wrong did go wrong… With all the negative things that happened this year, there was also a significant amount of positive things I’ve gained from this year that have shaped me into the man I need to be in order to succeed and fully live out my purpose that God has called me to be…

With the loss of my mother & one of my mentors, at times I lost a sense of hope, drive & direction. Sometimes you question why do ‘bad’ things happen to ‘good’ people, but its simply because God knows you can handle it & that you will grow from the situation. This is definitely a hard concept to grasp and is something that is a work in progress, but I know once I fully learn it I will much better off…

From living in 3 different cities this year to all the experiences has shaped me slowly into a man. The most important things I’ve learned is that you CANNOT put anything before God whatsoever. We can get so caught up sometimes in our own lives that we forget to sometimes give thanks to the main person who has made it even possible for us to be here.

Life as I once knew it will never be the same, I guess I have to create a new life in a sense… I know I have some big decisions to make very soon that could affect my future… I’m just praying that everything is in Gods will.

I know that 2009 was a year that had to happen, almost a wake up call in the realest sense… I’m glad im awake & ready to take on what’s ahead of me. 2010 will be a breakthrough year… I can already feel it.

~SJB~

Michael Jackson “This Is It” Music Video

Here’s the official video for MJ’s “This Is It”. The video was directed by Spike Lee. One of the best videos I’ve seen in a while.
Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

Part II

Before I even start this, If I hurt anyone’s feelings or you feel like I’m talking to you directly… Try not to take it personal…

Again, my family & myself would like to thank everyone for their prayers, condolensces, etc…

“Some things are better left unsaid”

I say that to say… Well put yourself in my shoes for a sec… Would you want people to constantly ask you “How are you doing”, “How’s your family”, “Hows your Dad & Bro”? Especially if we’ve never had a real vocal relationship in the past? Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that asking that is necessarily a bad thing, but repeatedly, daily, multiple times a day; is quite over the top… Don’t ya think?

Now if you normally ask or check up & talk to us then this is not to you…

When you are asked something like that repeatedly, it brings back memories… Some good… Some bad…

I’m basically saying watch how you ask, what you ask & ask yourself would I want to be asked this before you even ask it…

As I’ve said previously, we (my father & brother) are doing fine… We have our good days & our bad… God is giving us somewhat of peace right now & regardless we all have to move on with our lives because life goes on… Death is apart of life & we are trying to live our lives as normal as possible…

Now the majority of the people that might read this will take it absolutely in the wrong context, but that’s fine… Might save me a few of my unlimited texts…

*SJB*

R.I.H. Sharon Rosette Buckner

…Well people have been asking me daily since my mother passed how I’m doing & how my fam is doing… But it doesn’t seem real that she’s gone yet… Almost like a bad dream that I’m living in… I feel like a huge part of me is missing… It’s hard to even explain how much I miss her… Everytime I come home & see her car in the garage, or when I drive past St. Vincent or the hospice, it takes me back to those visions of her in pain at the hospital & in hospice… I wish there was some way to get rid of this visions but I’m sure they’ll never go away  and this is just something, I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life…

For those who don’t know what she died from well here it is…

Last December, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer, we were told that this particular cancer was very curable and was in no means a terminal cancer… She then went into chemo & radiation to cure her of this… Months go by of chemo & radiation and things seemed to be looking up & she was cured of the cancer….. So then I go off to school in San Fran, thinking that all is well… & some symptoms started to re-occur…  come to find out that the cancer reappeared and was starting to spread throughout her stomach area… I wasn’t made aware of this until I returned back home, but inside before I even knew I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t going right at home… I could never tell by talking to her on the phone, bcuz she hid it so well that they was no well I could tell…

When I returned home… my dad told me that the cancer had returned & that she’ll be going through treatments all over again… Come September, she had little or no energy, and couldn’t hold any food down; only to be fed soft foods & by TPN (through tubes)… As things got worse, she checked into the hospital and ended up staying there for almost 4 weeks… As things continued to progressively get worse my father once called my brother & I into his room to tell us that the doctors said she had 30 days to live… At this point I didn’t really know what to think or expect. Once I found out, I started to shut people out really not talking to anyone at all. Rarely speaking to even family members only headnods, etc.. A few days later we were then told that she only had a few days left & that she was moved into a hospice… I had no idea what a hospice was & I couldn’t seem to grasp why all this was happening so fast, but I couldn’t bare to see her struggle any longer either… SN: A hospice is a place that they send patients who are in their last days of living to make them feel comfortable so that they might pass in peace… Seeing her try to get up & reach for our help, knowing that there was nothing we could do to help her is probably the worst thing that anybody can witness.. Those images are still haunting me & probably will forever… At this point she was barely responsive & unaware of her surrounds; and she faded in & out often… The night before she passed, I was fortunate enough to catch her in a moment where she was responsive… I told her that I loved her & she responded “I love you too Sean”…. She passed away the next morning October 3, 2009 at 6:10 AM while holding my father’s hand….

Not to many people get to actually tell the person that they love them before they die & I was fortunate enough to do so, which brings me somewhat peace to the situation…

 This whole period has been a difficult period, but it has opened my eyes & given me a sense of drive that I’ve never had before. A few months prior, we talked about what people can do to help others who are battling cancer, and to further research the origin of cancer inside a person, what things people can do to prevent it, is it genetic?, etc, etc… I then presented to her the idea that I had to start a foundation in her name called the “Sharon Rosette Foundation” to serve this purpose… I cannot speak on all the details of this foundation due to legal reasons, but I hope to reveal everything by the top of 2010. Just know that this foundation will be on the forefront of raising capital  for cancer & awareness to help #beatcancer …

Her homegoing celebration was on October 10, 2009 & 500 + people came to show & express their love & sympathies… It was a very beautiful service… People I haven’t heard from in years even reached out… But in times like this you REALLY see who your real friends are in life….

This is probably the first time, I’ve ever spoke about my mother’s passing in its entirety but I feel that now was the perfect time.. People are still sending their condolensces, flowers, FOOD, etc. and myself, my bro & pops are highly appreciative of all that!

This period has has allowed me to really find myself & to block out all the bullshit that’s been going on & really to focus on myself for once. I feel that God has given me  the opportunity to start over in a sense  and I cant take life for granted any longer … I can promise you that I will have big things coming soon & that I will be successful in life… 2010 is MY year

You never know when someone is gonna go, so I encourage everyone to tell the people that you love the most that you love them as often as you can & to never let petty or small things get in the way because life is to short.

I will always love you mom, until we meet again…

*SJB*

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Welcome to “Inside the Mind of SJB”

People always seem to think that I’m sort of a mysterious, private, person… At times this is true, but at the moment, I have a lot on my mind that I think I will start expressing… Somewhat of an overdue diary…

Stay tuned for one of the most personal blogs ever.